Ahh rumination, how you plague me so...

I am wondering why my encounter with prospective #2  keeps cropping up every now and again in moments where my mind decides to go for a bit of a wander.I suspect it may have something to do with the confusion surrounding his comments. 

What do you do when someone has ‘a problem’ with what are technically some of your better attributes? If it was the other end of the spectrum: if I was insecure, had no motivation and frankly was a bit of a bum, I’d get it. Those qualities are not the most appealing in other people and probably not what the majority of individuals would want in a prospective partner (NB I have no data to back up this notion, but instead, a strong but statistically insignificant suspicion). And whilst not the most appealing qualities, I don’t think that any one of those is a deal-breaker. Maybe the combination wouldn’t be so great- but hey, we’re a dynamic species and the whole point of getting married is to change your partner into something idealistic and perfect so that you can package them into a plastic box and bring them out the display cabinet when guests come over... 

Then again, here I am making the assumption that my 'better' qualities are in fact 'better'. Better than what, exactly? Therein, perhaps, lies my problem. 

I think I might be frustrated because I wasn’t given an opportunity to qualify those characteristics. Being comfortable with myself is a novel experience for me too. I suppose in a way I have always been confident, but have battled with self-comfortableness since the age of 14 (cue tiny violin- *pop psychology alert*- no but seriously, who hasn’t?!) In fact, this battle was particularly horrendous during my early 20’s (cue slightly larger violin and a trumpet). Had he met me only 6 months earlier, I perhaps would have been in the low to normal range of self-comfortableness.

As for being driven... I don’t know what to do with that. Again, 6 months earlier and I would have been a lot wobblier on this topic. (Why the fixation on 6 months earlier and me being a semi-emotional wreck? Has my brain somehow computed this me-6-months-ago-persona as more appealing? Damn you brain and your illogical ways!!).

I’m certainly no career maniac, will not be freezing my eggs to have babies after I’ve reached CEO somewhere in my 50s, and have a healthy level of competitiveness that definitely does not involve recruiting the mafia to top-off my competitors (but may be willing to partake in them having a mysterious staircase-related accident). I just want to help a lot of people.  That’s all. If I manage to do it- great. If I decide I want to be a full time mum and devote my energy to supporting my kids rather than the rest of the world-great. If it all goes pear-shaped and I end up in something totally off the wall- great. Whatever happens, happens: courtesy of Allah SWT.

So in addressing: What do you do when someone has ‘a problem’ with what are technically some of your supposed better attributes? Hmm, not sure. Maybe there is nothing you can do. But I will pray and leave this in Allah’s hands. 

Although, before I stop rambling, let me just have my bitter whiny girly moment (doesn’t matter how awesome you are, we all do it...) : I think I may (finally) understand why some of my friends/ colleagues/ acquaintances who are accomplished young women act like total ditz’s around men. I get it. I question it, strongly question it. But I get it. I just don’t quite have the girly giggle to pull it off myself. 

Wish lists

So it’s pretty difficult to meet Muslim guys in day to day life. Thank God for the internet. I decided to bite the bullet and sign up to a site. Sure, for every 100 oddballs that contact you there’s one good one. You just have to stick it out!!

It can be painful. Since signing up about 6 weeks ago, I can’t count the number of: ‘hi hw ru doin cn I hav ur nmbr u gt nce fse’ messages I’ve had. I don’t know why, I just find text-speak offensive. O and the blatant request for personal contact information on the first message. Go. Away. And. Learn. 2. Rite. Propaly.

Anyway, this brings me to prospective #3. Very interesting guy, articulate, intelligent, polite, gentleman (well as gentlemanly as one can be over the net).  All in all I found the first 1 out of the 100 wierdos that wasn’t such a weirdo!! Big contrast from prospective #2 as #3 seems to have taken an interest in the drive/motivation side of me, as this seems to be quite a big feature of himself.

I’m not sure if I like that or not. In theory, I should. But something about a guy who is going to be preoccupied with work doesn’t entirely appeal. Ironic really, as people might look at me and think the exact same thing. As hard as it might be for some of my friends to believe- I am super traditional at heart!! Hec, I might even have a bit of a maternal complex when it comes to guys: (In theory) I actually look forward to cooking, cleaning and caring for my future partner!? God, I confuse myself sometimes…

Anyways, prospective 3 asked me a very wise, very sensible, frankly quite brilliant question: What do I hope for from a marriage. Such a good question, but I had to confess that I could not provide an immediate answer as err… I hadn’t actually thought it through. Not a sensible game plan for someone looking to get married eh?

 So many of my friends and relatives have gotten married recently and I question whether they even thought it through. I know girls and guys with long comprehensive lists of what they want their partner to be, or more often than not, look like: tall, fair, slim, orthopaedic surgeon, blood type O, 2 sisters, 5 brothers, no hereditary diseases, good breath, willing to relocate to country of [my] choice, Arsenal supporter. Well I don’t have a list. Or a type. I tend to find that I’m attracted to the person first and what they look like is kind of secondary. It explains my strange attraction to your not-so-typically-attractive celebrities. Example: James Gandolfini. Ewwww. But also ahhhhh. 


Creating a wish list for an ideal partner seems like a recipe for disaster. Surely you just set yourself up for failure? Also it sort of seems to defeat the point. Marriage is a joint venture right? The way you interact with your partner, your dynamic with each other shapes your relationship. The ideal partner list would only work if you're magically insightful enough to understand those dynamics. Hey, maybe everyone is and I just haven't figured it out yet. 

 I won’t be making a ‘what I want from a marriage’ list. Maybe just a series of generic paragraphs. But am definitely thinking about it a little more seriously. So far all I have come up with is ‘becoming better Muslims together.'

But then…. My parents announced that they have (finally) found another guy to set me up with. Huzzah!!! Prospective #4 is in da house!  Only, he’s from the motherland. And has lived in the UK for just under a year. Hmm. Err… I know that somehow this doesn’t feel compatible with my non-existent ‘list’ of what I want from a marriage. But I can’t quite justify how. I know he wouldn’t fit on my non-existent ‘list’ of ‘what my partner should in theory be like’ but since I have vowed to not create one of those, I will meet him. It might be a total disaster. I suspect as much. But who the hec am I to judge? I played Elder Scrolls Oblivion for 13 hours on Sunday. I am a bona fide dork!

Prospective # 2

There are those who you  meet via parental arrangement (prospective # 1). And then there are those you meet through your own friends/ by accident. Like prospective number 2. After a long hard day at work I decided to turn up to my friend’s house, totally unannounced, and there in the lounge was the rather lovely prospective 2. I had not showered in 2 days (yes yes gross I know), was exhausted from work (I had the darkest circles under my eyes) and essentially my clothing resembled that of the local homeless population (stained old baggy sweatshirt).

Sometime later it was brought to my attention that prospective number 2 liked me enough to actually want to meet me under the umbrella of ‘let’s get to know each other r.e. big picture life stuff i.e. marriage.’ I was shocked (mashAllah he is very attractive and intelligent and I, well, looked like a hobo and was fairly certain that most of our conversation involved me rambling incoherently due to tiredness) but I was excited (because mashAllah he is very attractive and intelligent and despite my homeless-esque rambling seems to have at least taken an initial shine to me).  So we agreed to meet for coffee (haraam, haraam! Yes I know...but it was a public place...that’s ok right?!)

It was a great afternoon. I rambled a lot out of nervousness but otherwise thought we connected really well, simply thought he was lovely and looked forward to getting to know him better.  Sadly I’m not sure if that sentiment was reciprocated. I received a text message that evening- apparently there were things that he liked about me- and then things that he didn’t and therefore did not think that we were a good match. Balls. The notion of me knowing what I wanted to do with my life was, in summary, not ideal. 

I felt that I had been judged too quickly. Didn’t you hear me say that I know what I’m doing for the next couple of years but not after that? That I always thought I wanted to do ‘a’ but then it turned out ‘a’ was the worse career path ever and now I have no idea what I want to do other than this naive notion that I am going to save the world??  You didn’t even get to hear the part about how I’m not sure if I should be saving the world because I want a family! OK, maybe I didn’t sell those points clearly enough, perhaps because I was trying to make a good first impression...

 Are you supposed to sell your insecurities so openly on a first meeting? I was saving that for the second or third. It’s ironic really, because my dear friends have recently been subject to lengthy emails and long rambling monologues about how I am on a journey at the moment to figure out how best I can contribute to the world, trying out different things here and there, that I thought I had it all figured out, and then Allah opened my eyes about the corruptness of life- path ‘a’ but that I have faith that He will eventually guide me in the right direction, as He always has.  

I was not angry with prospective 2- more disappointed (at the situation, not at him). Great guys are hard to come by and I sensed that prospective 2 was one of those rarities. Totally my loss.  Well, I have a ‘life-is-too-short’ philosophy. After giving it some thought  I decided that in order to ensure that yes he was correct and we were not a good match or indeed vice versa,  we ought to meet again. So we are meeting again in a few weeks, but not so much under the guise of bigger picture stuff - (haraaaaaaaaam! Yes, I am the suckiest Muslim ever- but if it makes you feel any better I have told my parents - well ok, not about meeting him in person because, you know, that’s haraaaaaaaam- O God forgive me I am a liar as well). 

Does she...exercise?

God bless my parents but it's taken me almost 7 years to realise that they have little to no idea what they are doing when it comes to arranging marriages. During this time, they have successfully arranged a meeting with.... one guy. My friends in comparison seem to have had a revolving door system when it comes to the season of arranging set-ups. And hecs, they is all married off now. I mean, finding your prospective partner is hard. Period. Surely the more people you meet the higher probability there is of finding the best person for you? Well, seeing as how my parents aren't doing it I suppose it's time to take matters into my own hands! Hence this blog...

Now, I'm confident enough to say that the lack of set-ups isn't a problem with me (per se). There are no photos being displayed prior to any prospective husbands rocking up at my place and on paper, I don't sound too bad! My parents, though they fret and fret, just don't seem to be arranging these set-ups!! This was (ironically) what I feared the most when I was younger. And now at this ripe (old) age, I am like- bring on the set-ups!!! Where the hec did all the men go?? (They're married to your friends...)

In any case, the one man they did set me up with (prospective # 1) was an... interesting experience. He came to my house with his mother, and my mum and brother were with me. I didn't realise at the time but apparently we are old family friends. We get chatting, I'm deadly nervous and don't think I have stammered so much in my life!! But, we actually got on quite well. Seemingly had a lot in common, in particular with regards to our work, which is a little unusual so it's quite  rare to find someone 'in the community' who has the same background. Prospective number 1 was also ever so slightly beautiful and I had ever so slightly at that point lost some weight, but still a long way away from my goal. And from first impressions: good Muslim. (What does that even mean!?) Deen is important right? I mean I am not perfect but I am steadily getting better. 

Anyway- at the end of all of that, a few days later I get an email from prospective 1. How exciting! Its a good email, lots of info, complimentary to me, all very good. "This is great, I didn't come across as a total loser and he had the courtesy to get in touch- great!" I reply, nothing special, nothing strange, just a standard reply- ensuring one or two questions are in there in order to facilitate communication. That was a year and a half ago. I never heard from him again. 

Parental excuses included: he works abroad a lot maybe he hasn't got access to email. Potentially true, as his work takes him into the middle of no where. However, (in thinking about the bible of all relationship films:  'He's just not that in to you') if a man is interested he will 'make it happen', right? He could have taken a motorbike in the middle of the night, crossed military checkpoints and risked his life to send an email, but: he. just. didn't. 

In addition, his mother seemed to have taken a shine to my parents, and they received more communication from her than I did from him. One rather wonderful comment that went round was, "does she exercise? does she go to the gym". Ah, what a politically correct way of saying "your daughter is a fatty. I suggest she gets some cardio in there because despite everything else being hey-ok-with her, its imperative my son gets hitched to a hottie. "

OK, OK maybe I exaggerated the interpretation. But I get it. Balls. So in trying to learn what it is that I might want from a future husband, because quite frankly at this stage I had no idea, this is what I learned from this experience:

-men and their mothers don't like you because you are overweight. 

Argh, what a crap life lesson!? What about my 'pretty face', my *cough* winning personality, my...errrr... sense of humour??? I willingly watch sport on TV, I would be the best wife ever!

OK: reinterpret:

- that particular man, and his mother,were not particularly big fans of you mostly due to your (at that time) body shape but potentially for other undefined reasons such as your 'winning personality', 'sense of humour' and the amazing stammer that you developed during the meeting. 

That's healthier. So after a while (about 6 months later) I jumped back on the healthy bandwagon.

Also about 12 months later, sitting around waiting for more set-ups I realised I would have to take matters into my own hands. You want something to happen. You make it happen!

Butt(h)er body

Where do I start? Life story??? OK! Will keep in short and to the point of this blog:


1. WEIGHT
Super athletic during school and college. Super lazy post college. Literally woke up one day and discovered I was 100kg. What. The. Hec. Started moving more and eating better/less rubbish (2008). Somewhere in between 2008-2012 I moved more/less/then some more/then less (you see where I am going with this). I lost 26kg. YAY! Then I gained 3kg. BOO! The target is 55kg. The real goal: to stop reminiscing about all athleticism in high school/college and make it a reality now! I plan to blog every now and again with simple number-based updates on my progress. The real focus is......


2. MEN. MUSLIMS. MARRIAGE. MYSTERY. ME.


I have to confess that I had some sort of abstract fear that my parents were going to marry me off at an early age. This fear came about when I turned 18. After years of telling me that [insert heavy south asian accent here] "YOU MUST GET 'A' GRADES. WHY DID YOU GET 99% ON THIS EXAM, WHY NOT 100??" my parents tune suddenly switched to "YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT STUDYING IS NOT THE ONLY THING. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE." They meant men, or man actually, babies, and more babies. 


Well, nonetheless, I got a little caught up studying. Here I am, nearly ten years later, checking my facebook news feed and what is this I see....what....everyone is getting married this summer?! How did this happen? Where did they meet these guys? Why wasn't I meeting these guys? What have I been doing with my life!? (O that's right.... studying, fan-dabby-tastic). 


I mean I'm not hideous (I am what you call 'butter body'- ie everything- is-great-but-her-body. I usually get: 'you have such a pretty face'. Must you specifically highlight which aspect of my person is the nicest- ergo insinuating that the rest is somehow defective...You well-intentioned morons!!) Nor do I overreach +/- 3 S.D.s from the im-a-normal-person mean (though this ranting that I will now exhibit may suggest otherwise).


OK body-related grievance asides...Yes, yes, one shouldn't place their happiness and value in the prospect of being in a relationship- but you know what- marriage is half my religion-and I intend to fulfil that!!!