***warning: negative rant***

***warning: dont tell me not to be negative. We are all allowed our crazy negative moments...***

Less than a year ago I hardly gave a passing thought to being single. I'd happily hang out with my couple-buddies, dream about random crazy adventures in the future that I hoped to embark on and endlessly watch horror films.Now. Well now I want to punch any couple I see in the face, dream about being a crazy cat lady and sob hysterically over hours of rom- coms.

What.the.hec.happened.

I can quite safely say: there are noooo prospectives. Nada. Online guy (#3) has changed his online profile to indicate that he despises certain types of women. That would appear to be me he's describing. Ok so I never replied to him. My bad. Whatevs. Boo freaking hoo. I was on holiday for God's sake?!

Number 2. Totes is not interested in me. Why on earth did I ever think someone like him would be interested in someone like me?! I wont bore you with the details but lets just say I stood side by side with someone he used to be interested in and I am like two thousand stone throws away from her. Yes yes I shouldnt compare etc etc. But you know what? Im human!!! And I'm having a fat day! Ok well maybe prospective 2 also turned out to be a little too Edward Cullen for my liking. Think emo.Not bloodsucker.

Oh yeah and my parents. LOVE them. So much love. Apparently theres a doctor, an investment banker and some sort of engineer in the pipeline for me. Do I care? NO!!! Same old same old. Parents talk about mystery men and how theyve become best buddies with mystery mens' families. Will i get to meet any of these wonderful blokes? Of course I wont! This is a 9 year old pattern. Why, despite avid attempts of intervention from myself and my siblings, would this bizarre approach to (failing to) introduce me to guys, change?

O and bless my dear dear sister. This time Im being positive. Sort of. She signed me up to a singles event. Yes. I am now so socially incompetant that the only way for there to be a hope in hell of me meeting someone is to fork out 30 quid. Maybe Ill start buying myself some friends. Maybe Ill get a mail-order husband. Can you get those? No problem if he's Thai, I'm not so backward that I can only marry from my own village. As long as he's vaguely brown that's totes cool.

I was exposed to 30/40 single guys in one go. Im fairly certain that's more than I've ever encountered in my lifetime. I didnt take to any of the guys. They didnt take to me. I got more girls numbers (3) than guys (0).Worked out pretty well I reckon!!

This marriage stuff is hard. Why is no else around me finding it this hard?

Only one potential prospective remains...

Well, we can successfully rule out prospective #3 (online guy). Apparently my inability to communicate via the internet and repeatedly going off travelling this summer did not suit his (lack of) tolerance for ‘flaky people’. Balls. I’m not flaky, but yes I am notoriously useless at online stuff. In fact, in true flaky form I have failed to reply to him to apologise.

Prospective #4  is definitely out of the picture now. In the end my brother did speak to my parents in a bid to rule out all freshies. Good job bro. I’m assuming his involvement in this process, given he is 7 years younger than me, is not so much out of love and adoration but more that he is on the hunt for a super fun epic brother in law. Well it’s a mutually beneficial agenda so I’m ok with him sticking his nose in!

So really that leaves prospective #2. Ahh prospective 2... Before I went off on my epic travels we spent a lot of time in comms with each other. Lots of time. Too much time for my liking but enough time for me to think: hey, well, you’re the one instigating all of this communication- what’s going on here? I thought we weren’t a good match? What does this mean, what does this meaaaaannnn?

Courtesy of jet-lag I’m too tired to care about what it means at this moment in time. I am yet to inform him that I am back from my travels. As soon as I muster up the energy my grand plan is to perform istikharah. If Allah gives me the go ahead then I will do something about prospective #2. If He doesn’t give me the go ahead then I will save myself a text-message and forget the whole thing.

Thanks to ‘A Muslimah’s’ great suggestion I have started to talk to more people to get them on board with my grand plan to complete half my deen. (PS read her awesome blog: http://muslimamusing.blogspot.co.uk/). So whilst visiting my cousins I announced over dinner that I was on the search. They initially expressed total surprise having been under the assumption that as my little sister got married first, that I must have been too career-consumed and rejecting men left right and centre in a bit to complete  my quest to become supreme dictator of the world. I corrected them accordingly: man, babies, then supreme dictator of the world. Not: supreme dictator of the world, man, and if my ovaries haven’t collapsed by then: babies.

It turned out that my long lost cousin has a set-people-up-for-marriage-non-profit-business on the side and in true professional form, she proceeded to email me a list of men, their demographic details and other interesting information about them. My job is to explain what I want and what I definitely don’t want, based on the examples she has provided. Excellent!! My cousins are totally on board!! So again on A Muslimah’s suggestion and my cousin’s I will begin formulating an ‘essential’, ‘desirable’ and ‘no freaking way’ list. Back to those lists.... So far all I got in ‘essential’ is: Muslim and Man.

That narrows it down to a few million right?

And... the panic is kicking in...

My younger sister got married. OK well her Nikkah was last year but I just returned from the cultural side of the wedding in the mother-land so now it’s all official. Wonderful. I am now officially a marital social outcast. At community gatherings, I don’t get to sit with the married women which includes my sister and friends. I am in a different room. With the single girls. Most of who are at least 7  years younger than me. I’m that weird one that gets given peoples babies to look after so that the mums can go off and have a good ol’ time whilst single old weirdo me is mandated to make sure none of the kids stick their fingers into plug sockets. F.M.L.

On a more positive note, I am thrilled for my sister. She is wonderful mashAllah and her man is someone I have known (of?) since childhood and he is brilliant so I am so happy for them. Of course, I still have an overwhelming desire to repeatedly bang my head against a wall and cry at the irony of this all, but in summary I am well proud. On a more negative note, my birthday is coming up aka my cultural bridal expiry date. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Whilst away I did learn one thing about my wish list. No way to freshies. Like no way. I am basing this on a solid sample size of about 15 men. The sample was comprised of cousins and cousins’ husbands. The sample was matched for ethnicity. The mean age of the sample was about 27. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family but marrying someone with the attitudes and opinions like the ones they had would result in me being sectioned. To top it off, when offering my opinion, in 3 situations, I was outright ignored. I wanted to jump up and down stamping my foot like a petulant child and scream ‘where I come from fancy schmancy important people take my advice!’ I figured the screaming might not accompany the sentiment so well. I opted to comfort eat instead. 

Thankfully my brother, who can do and say no wrong (often working in my favour), agreed. Since my parents haven’t  spoken about me meeting prospective #4 since our return from the motherland I figured my bro must have had a quiet and stern word with them. Only, on asking him it turns out he didn’t. Despite not wanting to meet prospective 4, this is further evidence that my wonderful wonderful wonderful parents do not know what they’re doing!!! To rely on my super awesome gorgeous parents could be fatal!!! Now that I think about it, I wonder how many other men have come and gone- arrived to announce their potential interest in a girl who they have little but demographic information about- and then just disappeared after having to deal with the lack of parental organisation skills.

I also seem to have hit a general low point in this quest of mine. When I played the role of ‘let’s set up my sister’- it took a phone call, a text message or two and a convo and within 3 weeks there he was at my parents place, with his parents, getting engaged to my sister. 3 weeks. Based on my own minimal experience I didn’t think it was going to happen that quickly, so I essentially inadvertently significantly contributed to my current status as cultural social outcast. Within 3 months they were married. 3 months!!?!!!?!

Ergh. Cue self-deprecating rumination. 

Checking in

Assalamu Alikum people. 

Sorry for epic delay in posting anything- it's Ramadhan- 'nuff said.

In the mean time, this blog post on the half our deen website really sums it all up for me right about now:

http://blog.halfourdeen.com/2012/08/cultivating-healthy-relationships-imam-khalid-latif/

Stay tuned... (disclaimer: not my fault if you get your hopes up and my next post is as interesting as gordon brown on valium)

I. Got. Dude’d.

I saw prospective # 2 last week. Haraam, yeah ok we’ve already been through that.

General summary: ....

That’s right, my mind is blank. How about bodily reactions? Well. There were no bonkers butterflies having a party in my stomach, no accelerated heart rate, no overwhelming desire to vomit due to nervousness.

Prospective 2 and I get on like a house on fire, he ticks all my non-existent wish list boxes and boxes that I didn’t even know I had. So, why is my brain pulling a blankie? This is a conundrum and brings to mind prospective #3’s question of: how do you know when you have found the right person. Seemingly, prospective 2 is a potential ‘right person’. Out of all the guys who are battling with each other to win over my hand in marriage *cough* he comes out as the clear leader in the race. Or is he? He rejected the qualities that define me the most...

 I suspect this may be down to my brain, somewhere deep down inside, not through insecurity but through observation, realising that the feeling may not be mutual and that despite all the box-ticking that he may not be right for me (or actually, I for him).  I have been referred to as ‘dude’ since our second meeting. I. Got. Dude’d. Yet other behaviours on his part suggest that I have not been totally struck off his radar- for example, making plans to hang out again. (But isn’t that what friends do?)

Then again I refuse to go down that awful route of interpreting ‘the signs’. Once more, I refer you to: He’s Just Not That In To You.  Before meeting him I prayed about being given a sign as to whether prospective 2 was the right guy or not (fickle prayer, I know). I got no signs as to either. That’s fair enough. Either I am too blind to see them or must accept that not all prayers are answered. Maybe my apathy towards the situation is the sign? Maybe I’m just protecting myself.

Well, I’ll be seeing him again in a few weeks. I don’t want to totally write him off, as I am still teetering on the idea that if he turns around and decides that he wants to do this then my butterflies, heart rate and nausea might kick in. I’m in no rush. Let’s see how this goes. 

On re-thinking wish lists...

Prospective 4 (motherland guy): was supposed to meet him last week but decided to rearrange because a) he informed me at the last minute of his availability and frankly by that point I had made other plans b) I’m not massively keen so wouldn’t drop my plans to go see him and c) because arranging a mutually agreeable time would have been far easier if my parents didn’t insist on all communication going through them.

Dad: when are you free? Me: I am free Monday-Wednesday in two weeks. Dad: She’s free Monday-Wednesday in two weeks. Prospective # 4: I can only do Friday in 3 weeks. Dad: He’s only free on Friday in 3 weeks. Me: I can’t do Friday in 3 weeks but I can do Tuesday in 4 weeks. Aargrhfhsfhsdkf.

Whilst I appreciate what my parents are doing, (I do I do I do, trust me) the old -skool ways of communicating just do not work. The above conversation took 3 weeks to happen between the 3 of us. Ridiculous. Just give me his number, let me text him some dates.  What do they think is going to happen? Elope on the basis that I fall in love with him via the medium of Short Message Service? Ergh. Anyhow, these communication shenanigans now render prospective #4 in last place. Because, you know- guys are like competing to marry me.

On a slightly more positive note: Prospective 3 (online guy) and I, have epic email chemistry. Epic. Like he writes an essay. I respond with an essay that like trumps the length of his essay. Then he like totally writes multiple essays in multiple emails. I like get confused and send bullet-points.  It’s like epic!

He is both interested (as made clear by his bombardment of questions r.e. yours truly) and interesting (active, intelligent, seemingly willing to try almost everything and anything, and from what I can tell, a practising Muslim). Physically: not my type. At all. ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’ bla bla bla etc. And I’m not. I am making an observation. That’s all. His personality shines through his writing and for now, I is liking what I see (read).

Selfishly, prospective # 3 is serving another purpose. He challenges me on the most basic attitudes towards finding a partner in Islam. Basic -because these really are attitudes/ assumptions/ preconceptions that I, the supposedly insightful one, should have thought about in advance of my quest. But in the thick of it - I can’t see the wood from the trees. Or is it trees from the wood? Basically, I’m blind as a bat. With some minimal sonar action to make sure I don’t bump into trees. The trees that are in the wood... that wood that I can’t see. (Ssh, stop talking).

His latest profound question includes: how will you know when you’ve found the right person. O. God. Why do I not know the answer to this?! Note his previous profound statement was:  what do I hope for from a marriage. Apparently I didn’t/ don’t know the answer to that one either.

No but seriously like: how will I know?  What is the answer to this? Is this why people have those wish lists: OK, so congratulations, you scored the highest on my wish list. Now, I suggest you bind yourself to me in the eyes of the Lord and the law. Or is there some sort of mysterious sympathetic nervous system activation that I’m supposed to look out for: OK my heart rate has gone up. There is definitely some sort of airborne-organism  flying around in my stomach, probably a butterfly.  Yes, he must be the one. Man, I get that sensation every time I smell my mum’s cooking.

 Maybe I do need a list? Or maybe do some research and speak to people who have successfully gone through this process?  ‘On a scale of 1 (not at all) – 10 (very), how confident are you that you made the right decision in your choice of partner?’

I’m a little terrified about just settling. Must figure out how I can avoid settling. I can say with some (unfortunate) certainty that settling, in my case, would most likely conclude in divorce. 

Ahh rumination, how you plague me so...

I am wondering why my encounter with prospective #2  keeps cropping up every now and again in moments where my mind decides to go for a bit of a wander.I suspect it may have something to do with the confusion surrounding his comments. 

What do you do when someone has ‘a problem’ with what are technically some of your better attributes? If it was the other end of the spectrum: if I was insecure, had no motivation and frankly was a bit of a bum, I’d get it. Those qualities are not the most appealing in other people and probably not what the majority of individuals would want in a prospective partner (NB I have no data to back up this notion, but instead, a strong but statistically insignificant suspicion). And whilst not the most appealing qualities, I don’t think that any one of those is a deal-breaker. Maybe the combination wouldn’t be so great- but hey, we’re a dynamic species and the whole point of getting married is to change your partner into something idealistic and perfect so that you can package them into a plastic box and bring them out the display cabinet when guests come over... 

Then again, here I am making the assumption that my 'better' qualities are in fact 'better'. Better than what, exactly? Therein, perhaps, lies my problem. 

I think I might be frustrated because I wasn’t given an opportunity to qualify those characteristics. Being comfortable with myself is a novel experience for me too. I suppose in a way I have always been confident, but have battled with self-comfortableness since the age of 14 (cue tiny violin- *pop psychology alert*- no but seriously, who hasn’t?!) In fact, this battle was particularly horrendous during my early 20’s (cue slightly larger violin and a trumpet). Had he met me only 6 months earlier, I perhaps would have been in the low to normal range of self-comfortableness.

As for being driven... I don’t know what to do with that. Again, 6 months earlier and I would have been a lot wobblier on this topic. (Why the fixation on 6 months earlier and me being a semi-emotional wreck? Has my brain somehow computed this me-6-months-ago-persona as more appealing? Damn you brain and your illogical ways!!).

I’m certainly no career maniac, will not be freezing my eggs to have babies after I’ve reached CEO somewhere in my 50s, and have a healthy level of competitiveness that definitely does not involve recruiting the mafia to top-off my competitors (but may be willing to partake in them having a mysterious staircase-related accident). I just want to help a lot of people.  That’s all. If I manage to do it- great. If I decide I want to be a full time mum and devote my energy to supporting my kids rather than the rest of the world-great. If it all goes pear-shaped and I end up in something totally off the wall- great. Whatever happens, happens: courtesy of Allah SWT.

So in addressing: What do you do when someone has ‘a problem’ with what are technically some of your supposed better attributes? Hmm, not sure. Maybe there is nothing you can do. But I will pray and leave this in Allah’s hands. 

Although, before I stop rambling, let me just have my bitter whiny girly moment (doesn’t matter how awesome you are, we all do it...) : I think I may (finally) understand why some of my friends/ colleagues/ acquaintances who are accomplished young women act like total ditz’s around men. I get it. I question it, strongly question it. But I get it. I just don’t quite have the girly giggle to pull it off myself. 

Wish lists

So it’s pretty difficult to meet Muslim guys in day to day life. Thank God for the internet. I decided to bite the bullet and sign up to a site. Sure, for every 100 oddballs that contact you there’s one good one. You just have to stick it out!!

It can be painful. Since signing up about 6 weeks ago, I can’t count the number of: ‘hi hw ru doin cn I hav ur nmbr u gt nce fse’ messages I’ve had. I don’t know why, I just find text-speak offensive. O and the blatant request for personal contact information on the first message. Go. Away. And. Learn. 2. Rite. Propaly.

Anyway, this brings me to prospective #3. Very interesting guy, articulate, intelligent, polite, gentleman (well as gentlemanly as one can be over the net).  All in all I found the first 1 out of the 100 wierdos that wasn’t such a weirdo!! Big contrast from prospective #2 as #3 seems to have taken an interest in the drive/motivation side of me, as this seems to be quite a big feature of himself.

I’m not sure if I like that or not. In theory, I should. But something about a guy who is going to be preoccupied with work doesn’t entirely appeal. Ironic really, as people might look at me and think the exact same thing. As hard as it might be for some of my friends to believe- I am super traditional at heart!! Hec, I might even have a bit of a maternal complex when it comes to guys: (In theory) I actually look forward to cooking, cleaning and caring for my future partner!? God, I confuse myself sometimes…

Anyways, prospective 3 asked me a very wise, very sensible, frankly quite brilliant question: What do I hope for from a marriage. Such a good question, but I had to confess that I could not provide an immediate answer as err… I hadn’t actually thought it through. Not a sensible game plan for someone looking to get married eh?

 So many of my friends and relatives have gotten married recently and I question whether they even thought it through. I know girls and guys with long comprehensive lists of what they want their partner to be, or more often than not, look like: tall, fair, slim, orthopaedic surgeon, blood type O, 2 sisters, 5 brothers, no hereditary diseases, good breath, willing to relocate to country of [my] choice, Arsenal supporter. Well I don’t have a list. Or a type. I tend to find that I’m attracted to the person first and what they look like is kind of secondary. It explains my strange attraction to your not-so-typically-attractive celebrities. Example: James Gandolfini. Ewwww. But also ahhhhh. 


Creating a wish list for an ideal partner seems like a recipe for disaster. Surely you just set yourself up for failure? Also it sort of seems to defeat the point. Marriage is a joint venture right? The way you interact with your partner, your dynamic with each other shapes your relationship. The ideal partner list would only work if you're magically insightful enough to understand those dynamics. Hey, maybe everyone is and I just haven't figured it out yet. 

 I won’t be making a ‘what I want from a marriage’ list. Maybe just a series of generic paragraphs. But am definitely thinking about it a little more seriously. So far all I have come up with is ‘becoming better Muslims together.'

But then…. My parents announced that they have (finally) found another guy to set me up with. Huzzah!!! Prospective #4 is in da house!  Only, he’s from the motherland. And has lived in the UK for just under a year. Hmm. Err… I know that somehow this doesn’t feel compatible with my non-existent ‘list’ of what I want from a marriage. But I can’t quite justify how. I know he wouldn’t fit on my non-existent ‘list’ of ‘what my partner should in theory be like’ but since I have vowed to not create one of those, I will meet him. It might be a total disaster. I suspect as much. But who the hec am I to judge? I played Elder Scrolls Oblivion for 13 hours on Sunday. I am a bona fide dork!

Prospective # 2

There are those who you  meet via parental arrangement (prospective # 1). And then there are those you meet through your own friends/ by accident. Like prospective number 2. After a long hard day at work I decided to turn up to my friend’s house, totally unannounced, and there in the lounge was the rather lovely prospective 2. I had not showered in 2 days (yes yes gross I know), was exhausted from work (I had the darkest circles under my eyes) and essentially my clothing resembled that of the local homeless population (stained old baggy sweatshirt).

Sometime later it was brought to my attention that prospective number 2 liked me enough to actually want to meet me under the umbrella of ‘let’s get to know each other r.e. big picture life stuff i.e. marriage.’ I was shocked (mashAllah he is very attractive and intelligent and I, well, looked like a hobo and was fairly certain that most of our conversation involved me rambling incoherently due to tiredness) but I was excited (because mashAllah he is very attractive and intelligent and despite my homeless-esque rambling seems to have at least taken an initial shine to me).  So we agreed to meet for coffee (haraam, haraam! Yes I know...but it was a public place...that’s ok right?!)

It was a great afternoon. I rambled a lot out of nervousness but otherwise thought we connected really well, simply thought he was lovely and looked forward to getting to know him better.  Sadly I’m not sure if that sentiment was reciprocated. I received a text message that evening- apparently there were things that he liked about me- and then things that he didn’t and therefore did not think that we were a good match. Balls. The notion of me knowing what I wanted to do with my life was, in summary, not ideal. 

I felt that I had been judged too quickly. Didn’t you hear me say that I know what I’m doing for the next couple of years but not after that? That I always thought I wanted to do ‘a’ but then it turned out ‘a’ was the worse career path ever and now I have no idea what I want to do other than this naive notion that I am going to save the world??  You didn’t even get to hear the part about how I’m not sure if I should be saving the world because I want a family! OK, maybe I didn’t sell those points clearly enough, perhaps because I was trying to make a good first impression...

 Are you supposed to sell your insecurities so openly on a first meeting? I was saving that for the second or third. It’s ironic really, because my dear friends have recently been subject to lengthy emails and long rambling monologues about how I am on a journey at the moment to figure out how best I can contribute to the world, trying out different things here and there, that I thought I had it all figured out, and then Allah opened my eyes about the corruptness of life- path ‘a’ but that I have faith that He will eventually guide me in the right direction, as He always has.  

I was not angry with prospective 2- more disappointed (at the situation, not at him). Great guys are hard to come by and I sensed that prospective 2 was one of those rarities. Totally my loss.  Well, I have a ‘life-is-too-short’ philosophy. After giving it some thought  I decided that in order to ensure that yes he was correct and we were not a good match or indeed vice versa,  we ought to meet again. So we are meeting again in a few weeks, but not so much under the guise of bigger picture stuff - (haraaaaaaaaam! Yes, I am the suckiest Muslim ever- but if it makes you feel any better I have told my parents - well ok, not about meeting him in person because, you know, that’s haraaaaaaaam- O God forgive me I am a liar as well). 

Does she...exercise?

God bless my parents but it's taken me almost 7 years to realise that they have little to no idea what they are doing when it comes to arranging marriages. During this time, they have successfully arranged a meeting with.... one guy. My friends in comparison seem to have had a revolving door system when it comes to the season of arranging set-ups. And hecs, they is all married off now. I mean, finding your prospective partner is hard. Period. Surely the more people you meet the higher probability there is of finding the best person for you? Well, seeing as how my parents aren't doing it I suppose it's time to take matters into my own hands! Hence this blog...

Now, I'm confident enough to say that the lack of set-ups isn't a problem with me (per se). There are no photos being displayed prior to any prospective husbands rocking up at my place and on paper, I don't sound too bad! My parents, though they fret and fret, just don't seem to be arranging these set-ups!! This was (ironically) what I feared the most when I was younger. And now at this ripe (old) age, I am like- bring on the set-ups!!! Where the hec did all the men go?? (They're married to your friends...)

In any case, the one man they did set me up with (prospective # 1) was an... interesting experience. He came to my house with his mother, and my mum and brother were with me. I didn't realise at the time but apparently we are old family friends. We get chatting, I'm deadly nervous and don't think I have stammered so much in my life!! But, we actually got on quite well. Seemingly had a lot in common, in particular with regards to our work, which is a little unusual so it's quite  rare to find someone 'in the community' who has the same background. Prospective number 1 was also ever so slightly beautiful and I had ever so slightly at that point lost some weight, but still a long way away from my goal. And from first impressions: good Muslim. (What does that even mean!?) Deen is important right? I mean I am not perfect but I am steadily getting better. 

Anyway- at the end of all of that, a few days later I get an email from prospective 1. How exciting! Its a good email, lots of info, complimentary to me, all very good. "This is great, I didn't come across as a total loser and he had the courtesy to get in touch- great!" I reply, nothing special, nothing strange, just a standard reply- ensuring one or two questions are in there in order to facilitate communication. That was a year and a half ago. I never heard from him again. 

Parental excuses included: he works abroad a lot maybe he hasn't got access to email. Potentially true, as his work takes him into the middle of no where. However, (in thinking about the bible of all relationship films:  'He's just not that in to you') if a man is interested he will 'make it happen', right? He could have taken a motorbike in the middle of the night, crossed military checkpoints and risked his life to send an email, but: he. just. didn't. 

In addition, his mother seemed to have taken a shine to my parents, and they received more communication from her than I did from him. One rather wonderful comment that went round was, "does she exercise? does she go to the gym". Ah, what a politically correct way of saying "your daughter is a fatty. I suggest she gets some cardio in there because despite everything else being hey-ok-with her, its imperative my son gets hitched to a hottie. "

OK, OK maybe I exaggerated the interpretation. But I get it. Balls. So in trying to learn what it is that I might want from a future husband, because quite frankly at this stage I had no idea, this is what I learned from this experience:

-men and their mothers don't like you because you are overweight. 

Argh, what a crap life lesson!? What about my 'pretty face', my *cough* winning personality, my...errrr... sense of humour??? I willingly watch sport on TV, I would be the best wife ever!

OK: reinterpret:

- that particular man, and his mother,were not particularly big fans of you mostly due to your (at that time) body shape but potentially for other undefined reasons such as your 'winning personality', 'sense of humour' and the amazing stammer that you developed during the meeting. 

That's healthier. So after a while (about 6 months later) I jumped back on the healthy bandwagon.

Also about 12 months later, sitting around waiting for more set-ups I realised I would have to take matters into my own hands. You want something to happen. You make it happen!

Butt(h)er body

Where do I start? Life story??? OK! Will keep in short and to the point of this blog:


1. WEIGHT
Super athletic during school and college. Super lazy post college. Literally woke up one day and discovered I was 100kg. What. The. Hec. Started moving more and eating better/less rubbish (2008). Somewhere in between 2008-2012 I moved more/less/then some more/then less (you see where I am going with this). I lost 26kg. YAY! Then I gained 3kg. BOO! The target is 55kg. The real goal: to stop reminiscing about all athleticism in high school/college and make it a reality now! I plan to blog every now and again with simple number-based updates on my progress. The real focus is......


2. MEN. MUSLIMS. MARRIAGE. MYSTERY. ME.


I have to confess that I had some sort of abstract fear that my parents were going to marry me off at an early age. This fear came about when I turned 18. After years of telling me that [insert heavy south asian accent here] "YOU MUST GET 'A' GRADES. WHY DID YOU GET 99% ON THIS EXAM, WHY NOT 100??" my parents tune suddenly switched to "YOU MUST REMEMBER THAT STUDYING IS NOT THE ONLY THING. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO IN LIFE." They meant men, or man actually, babies, and more babies. 


Well, nonetheless, I got a little caught up studying. Here I am, nearly ten years later, checking my facebook news feed and what is this I see....what....everyone is getting married this summer?! How did this happen? Where did they meet these guys? Why wasn't I meeting these guys? What have I been doing with my life!? (O that's right.... studying, fan-dabby-tastic). 


I mean I'm not hideous (I am what you call 'butter body'- ie everything- is-great-but-her-body. I usually get: 'you have such a pretty face'. Must you specifically highlight which aspect of my person is the nicest- ergo insinuating that the rest is somehow defective...You well-intentioned morons!!) Nor do I overreach +/- 3 S.D.s from the im-a-normal-person mean (though this ranting that I will now exhibit may suggest otherwise).


OK body-related grievance asides...Yes, yes, one shouldn't place their happiness and value in the prospect of being in a relationship- but you know what- marriage is half my religion-and I intend to fulfil that!!!